Do You Think You Know What The Face Of An Addict Looks Like?
For years I had
a hidden addiction, an addiction that many people have struggled with but even
more would never believe or understand; a block to personal success as well as
to my Higher Power, or God. I was a binge cocaine addict.
When many find
this out, it's almost too much to believe. During my entire adult life, I
struggled to keep this from as many people as possible. As a motivational
speaker, radio/tv host, author and Master Life coach, it just did not fit. As a
fitness buff, who prayed daily, meditated daily, wrote in a journal weekly and
lead an existence centered around helping others to reach their full potential,
I would hide away for days at a time and worship cocaine. My binges would have
me up until 6am, when I'd do my last line, drink another bottle of wine to help
me "come down" from the screaming high, try and locate some Valium to ease the
crash, and then sleep the best I could until early afternoon. I had sought help,
but was never truly honest with any therapist in regards to the amount of
cocaine I was doing or how often it happened. A month or two might go by, then I
was out looking again to score enough to keep me high for a few more days. At
times I might even let 3-4 months go by, and then the cravings would begin. As
anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking or alcohol on their own knows, the
cravings for the high can be so powerful that no human intervention can ever
work for very long Rigid flex PCB.
Cocaine led me to the feeling of connection to God and while high, I created the
life I always wanted. I could creatively map out my next book, next workshop,
fantasize about playing guitar or search for luxury beach homes. The fantasies
went on and on. I was invincible!! Until, regardless of how many "lines" I did,
I could not get higher. Then the crash began. The lows filled in for the highs
and the following days sucked so bad I didn't want to live. We called them the
"pcb's", the "post coke blues". I reached out to God so many times in prayer, in
pleas, to no avail.
Then in 1996, while living on Ft. Myers Beach,
Florida, and after another all night blowout, I awoke at 2:30pm and stared at
the fan above my bed. My dog Kona was on the floor and needed to be walked, as
the last time she had been out was 5:30 am. I had to snort 5 large lines to give
me the high needed to walk her before any neighbors would be up. I remember
screaming out to God, "Please save me!! " Tears streamed down my face as I knew
my life was now totally out of control Prototype PCB. "Please God, please!!!
Please save me, please remove this addiction. Please God hear my cry. I need you
right now!!" Tears streamed down my face as I laid in my own sweat, petrified of
what was going on in my life. While I had cried for help before, it was never
with this intensity. I screamed so loud , afterwards I wondered if anyone might
have heard me. Someone did. And that someone was God. My day of screams was my
surrender to my Higher Power, to God. My craving, my addiction to cocaine was
lifted that day, a true testament to the power of God, the power of
surrender.
I am humble, I am grateful, I am in awe. Slow down. If you
struggle with ANY addiction, to love, nicotine, spending, negative thinking,
religion, food, alcohol, sex, spending, go to surrender. Try 12 step groups, and
continue to try these or anything related to recovery everyday of your life.
This freedom is what living is all about.
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